prima facie

30 things about me (the first ten)

2012-01-23T21:22:00.002+08:00

(Warning: This is a self-centered, self-serving entry about myself, inspired by Twitter's trending topic - #30thingsaboutme. Read only if you're interested to know more about me. ;-P)

Coming up with thirty things about myself is HARD.
So I start with the first ten I could think of.

I love to laugh. If there's something I want people to remember most about me, it would be my laughter. When I laugh, I totally lose it. My laughter is not for polite company. The laughter I share with people close to me is the kind of laughter that has me doubling over, tears streaming down my face, catching my breath. And it's the kind of laughter that doesn't end at once - it produces aftershocks. I'd still be laughing long after everyone else has moved on.
Unlike most people, I don't "recycle" (aka re-gift) fruitcakes. I eat them. I can finish a loaf in one sitting. But I need at least two mugs of black coffee to go with it.
I just recently discovered the joy of getting really drunk and dancing like crazy, and I want to do more of that. Prior to this, I rarely dance, because I know that when I do dance, I often end up looking like a marionette being jerked around by a toddler who has yet to perfect his motor skills. But after a particular incident, I found out how liberating dancing-like-no-one-is-watching could be.
I can finish ten bottles of beer and still manage to run in the rain in three-inch-heels without slipping.
I'm so socially-inept. I hate small talk mainly because I suck at it. I'd rather have some meaningful conversations and lots of laughs with people I'm really close with, than try to be nice and polite in... polite company.
Eating alone is not torture for me as it is for other people. In fact, I relish it. I don't mind eating while reading a good book. I prefer it over... making small talk while trying to eat.
I tend to hibernate. For years. Were it not for Facebook, I'd be incommunicado again. And this isn't the first time that I have dropped out of... polite society. I've lost touch with many of my friends because of this. Sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time I just don't want to think about it.
Sometimes I still feel like a teenage mom. Even though I was never a teenage mom. But mothering a teenager makes me feel incompetent and insecure all over again. I know I'm doing all I can but somehow I still end up feeling it's not enough. And sometimes I just don't know what to do.
And sometimes I still feel like a teenager. All those feelings that we had as teenagers and don't want to remember anymore, I tend to feel that way. Incompetent and insecure. Angry and angsty. But - and here's the good part - sometimes I also feel so carefree.
This is the first time that I've been in a relationship for this long, and still remain madly and passionately in-love with my partner.

a wistful moment

2012-01-15T00:31:00.000+08:00

oddly enough, this is quite accurate

2012-01-14T23:12:00.000+08:00

The Gemini Moon Personality
(from Healing Love Notes)

The Moon in your birth chart is an indicator of your instinctive reactions and represents your emotions. It gives information about your nurturing abilities and how you deal with the past.

A Gemini Moon personality has a witty intellect, as well as a need for variety and diversity. You crave mental stimulation.

You’re charming and warm-hearted with an independent spirit and an imaginative sparkle to your personality.

The Gemini Moon imparts challenges in expressing emotion. Sometimes you show your emotions to suit the person you are with, or say what you think others want to hear, which can make you seem insincere. Because of the changing nature of your emotions, you sometimes lack insight into what you really want.

You dislike arguments and have a tendency to talk too much. You tend to burn the candle at both ends, which may sometimes lead to imbalances in your nervous system and body.

Soul Journey of a Gemini Moon: Your soul goals are to transcend tendencies of emotional instability, shallowness and your need to justify negative behaviour. You are to learn the lessons of consistency and constancy. It’s about learning the language of your soul so your emotional nature can communicate wise and intelligent love to yourself and others.

another year, another reading challenge

2012-01-11T10:10:00.000+08:00

My first book for 2012:

And so I begin yet another reading challenge, hoping to finally reach that which has lately become a sorta-kinda-elusive dream --- to finish reading 50 books in one year (I used to finish more than 50 books in a year, but it was back when I was young and free). I managed to read only 37 books last year, which isn't bad really, considering that the year before last, I barely made it to 20 books.

So I start with yet another booklist - a clean slate, filled with fresh optimism, raring to read.

Really, I'm such a sucker for new beginnings.

Merry Christmas to you too

2011-12-25T08:27:00.000+08:00

This isn't exactly the mindset I want on a Christmas morning, but this is one of the first things I encountered in the interwebs and it hit me right on the spot, and damn it hurts.

You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.

— Anaïs Nin (The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1)

So similar to Thoreau's quiet desperation. So much like the life I don't live.

And as Throreau further admonished - "How vain it is to sit down and write, when you have not stood up to live."

No wonder I couldn't really write.

the other side of the story

2011-12-15T12:42:00.002+08:00

"My best friend Leila's wedding; had my hair (unsuccessfully) bleached blonde and then shaved; an overnight bus ride to Bicol; alcohol; high drama. You only get this kind of wedding once if you're lucky." (Ryan Amor, from I Thee Wed & Lessons Learned)

my happiness, my choice. stfu.

And walking down the aisle nursing a horrible hangover, cursing with every step, cursing every step. Cursing the past, cursing the future. Barely talking to the groom, hating the hypocrisy, suffering through the farce. A year later, the marriage was dead. Not really surprising since it was already dying before it even got the chance to live.

Years later, the bleached hair is turning gray. Caffeine fix is preferred over alcohol. High drama has been replaced by the doldrums. Yet a vestige of bitterness remains. Because some things require blood sacrifice to undo. My blood.

NaBloPo-fail!

2011-12-01T14:11:00.001+08:00

Haha. It was inevitable I guess. Considering the errands we had to run just before the Byronic Honey left, plus the early mornings and the late nights, and not to mention the new Zynga game (more haha - hahaha!). But I'm happy nonetheless. At least this has inspired me to do some writing again. It may not be much but it's a start. And it made me realize something - I do want to write. Whether I could or not doesn't really matter - what's important is I want to. And judging from the traffic this blog gets, there are people out there who do read what I write. Not too many, but again, it doesn't matter. I just want to write.

The desire is there, so what I need to work on now is the most important factor in the writing process: discipline. I have 15 more entries to write so I can complete my failed NaBloPoMo attempt. Because yes, I've been cheating. Well sort of. I've come up with the titles, planning to get around to writing the entries before November ends. Surprise, surprise, it's already December 1 in my part of the world, and I have some unfinished entries, and several empty ones (but with titles!). My next goal - finish writing them before the year ends. 31 days to unfail the failed.

And prove to myself that I'm disciplined enough to do some actual writing.

Haha.

And there he goes...

2011-11-19T13:20:00.000+08:00

The Byronic Honey left for the US this morning - and he nearly missed his flight! He was supposed to leave the house at 2 am for his 6 am flight, but he inadvertently fell asleep at 1 am. Thank goodness for my brother, who woke us up at 4 am, after which it was pretty much a bedlam before he was able to leave for the airport (a 5-minute shower, a quick call for a cab, a last-minute checking of his stuff, and less than 20 minutes later he was off on a mad rush, forgetting his belt in the process haha). But all's well that ends well - last I heard from him he was nursing a headache at the Nagoya airport and was about to board for Detroit.

"Boarding is chaos," says the BH

And with his trip comes the all-too-familiar anxieties. Although he'll be gone for only three weeks, this is the longest that we've been apart since God-knows-how-long. And again, this is practice for me - in two years' time more or less (more, if I were lucky; less, if he is lucky), he will be leaving for good, joining his family in the land of milk and honey (oh, wait, that's just in history books now - they're running out of milk and honey in the US, or at least the US government no longer has money to provide for people's milk and honey ;-P).

Not sure - maybe too much introspection has already steeled my heart, or maybe it's just plain resignation - but even as the anxieties are there, it's no longer as bad as it was a couple of years ago. Come to think of it, my current mindset, as I've mentioned to the BH's dad in response to his assurance that the BH will petition us as soon as he could just as long as I wouldn't be an impediment to his migration, is - "What will be, will be." Too tired to fight that.

Scentsuality (or what's on my 'collection tray')

2011-11-14T22:33:00.000+08:00

My sense of smell is, without a doubt, my governing sense. Fragrance is my language for translating the world, it is how I 'see' and capture many memories of family and friends or special moments in time. (Jo Malone)

I have always been a very scentsual person (sensual too, yes, but that's for another R18 blog entry) and among all my senses, it's my olfaction that tends to work overtime. Before I take a sip of my coffee, I savor its aroma. I can smell when the food I'm cooking lacks certain herbs or spices. And most of all, one of my crazy dreams is to live above a laundromat so I can always have the scent of detergent and fabric conditioner wafting through my windows - same reason why I love walking down the detergent and soap aisles in the supermarket! It's crazy too that for as far back as I can remember, I have always loved playing with soap, and I have this tendency to wash my hands over and over again (well, yeah, that could also be a sign of OC-ness, but whatever).

And of course, being a scentsual person, one of the things I cannot leave home without is my perfume. It's been a staple in my bag ever since I hit puberty, and although I guess my choices have somewhat become more sophisticated (hell, I own a Prada Infusion D'Iris, and it's sophisticated enough, if only because it's Prada haha), I still tend to relish the scent of Nenuco and Angel's Breath, and even Johnson's Baby Cologne. And because I'm such a flighty Gemini, and the scent I wear depends on my mood, I need to have several bottles of varying scents - from light citrusy colognes to musky perfumes (or what Mah Bebe refers to as "amoy matanda"). So it's not surprising that I have several types of perfume in my current collection. And each bottle has its own story, and evokes its own memory.

The Davidoff Cool Water, which I keep buying simply because it was my perfume when I met my Byronic Honey. And man, the memories this perfume evokes - it may be "cool" but for me it would always be "steamy."

Calvin Klein Escape - a perfume I have always wanted since I was in high school but couldn't afford then. I remember savoring the scents of the samplers found in magazines, and keeping copies of those sizzling ads (yup, my own girly version of those Victoria's Secret brochures that boys collect).

The Benetton Pink I got simply because it was on sale (PHP 800 for a 75ml bottle) but which I ended up loving because it smells so fresh and light. And for once, Mah Bebe loves it too.

The Burberry Touch reminds me of nice quiet evenings at home - there's something sweet and comforting about it, the kind of sweetness and comfort that you get on a cold day and , and you're snuggled under a warm thick blanket, safely ensconced in your lover's arms.

The Givenchy Jardin d' Interdit was a gift from my brother when he came home from Japan last year, and because it's quite floral, I only wear it when I want to feel girly (as opposed to oohlala-sexy!). And it goes well with any Victoria's Secret lotion because of its flowery scent.

And there's my current personal favorite, Calvin Klein Euphoria. Just because wearing it makes me feel so oohlala-sexy (yeah, every inch a cougar!). Crazy, I know, but yes, every time I put this on, I have this (dis)illusion that I'm seduction personified. Although of course the only person I could (should) really seduce is the Byronic Honey (when he's not busy playing Halo or Gears of War).

I have other bottles of perfume and cologne, some of which are half-full, the others almost empty, and the others barely used (a quartet of Victoria's Secret Pink, given by the Bestestfriend to Mah Bebe for Christmas last year but which Mah Bebe doesn't like, so by default, became mine; a bottle - and it's a very nice bottle - of Geparlys Sweet Emotion from my officemate K, who showers me with colognes and lotions and perfumes because she's been getting them as pasalubong and she's not really into scents; and the various bottles of Victoria's Secret body spray that seem to be the staple pasalubong these days), and given my perfume consumption record, yes I'll finish them before they expire. At which point I end up collecting the empty bottles. :-)

Sunday thoughts - 10 things that are good for my soul

2011-11-13T07:13:00.000+08:00

When in a (creative) funk, make a list. Who knows, maybe I'd find some inspiration from this.

A mug of freshly brewed coffee, strong, with just a hint of sugar and creamer.
An inspiring conversation with someone who is not afraid to bare his/her soul.
A good book.
Time with the Byronic Honey and the Bebe.
Time alone.
Papers and notebooks.
Writing and/or drawing.
A long, sudsy bath.
Exercise. (I know. I don't get much of this.)
Sex. (Yes.)

Just saying

2011-11-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just get tired of people acting as if the world is out to get them. Puhleeeze. The world doesn't revolve around you. Don't take everything that happens to you as a personal affront. Just because a store doesn't carry your size, it doesn't mean that the store hates you. Maybe you just need to lose weight. Or go to a different store. The elevator takes forever to arrive, just when you're already running late? It doesn't mean that the universe is conspiring against you. Murphy's Law - it happens to everyone.

I don't know. I'm no Little Miss Sunshine myself, and I've been known to fret and whine when things don't go my way, but to face each day with so much negativity is way too much, even for me. Why do you have to go around antagonizing people? Because you're cool that way? Hell, that doesn't make you cool - could be you're obnoxious that way. And you know what we call obnoxious people. Major league a-hole.

Just saying.

Three wishes

2011-11-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

A NaBloPoMo writing prompt

Friday, November 11, 2011
It's 11/11/11, make three wishes.

But I already posted my three wishes yesterday! Although, sure, of course, being only human (maganda, pero tao lang), of course I have three more wishes. Hell, let's go with the apophenia that's gripping most of the world today because of 11-11-11, and make 11 wishes.

A weeklong vacation at Thunderbird Resorts in Poro Point, La Union, basking in sheer decadence.
A Php 30,000 gift cheque from Fully Booked and one whole day to do nothing but browse and buy at their Bonifacio High Street branch.
Shopping galore - shopping for soap, soap and more soap. (It's always been a dream - to get all the soap bars I could get my hands on, and fill our bedroom with them. Yup, BEDroom, not bathroom. I'm weird that way.)
Or better yet - learn how to make soap. Sudsy, creamy, lovely soap. And come up with all the wonderful scents that I love.
Drinking and dancing. Yes, I know - I don't dance. Unless I'm drunk. At which point dancing can be quite liberating, getting rid of this huge rod up my ass.
A romantic weekend get-away. Wherever. As long as it's romantic.
A romantic date. Which, at this point, is as impossible as a romantic weekend get-away and a weeklong vacation.
A college scholarship for Mah Bebe to any of the following: Macquarie University, University of Sydney, UC-Berkeley. I can handle UP and Ateneo, but I'll go nuts if I have to pay $50,000 a year just for tuition fees alone!
Art lessons. Art lessons. Art lessons. Which require both time and money. And right now I have no budget for wants, just for needs. So I'm doing the next best thing - self study.
To finally put that stupid piece of paper in a shredder and completely say goodbye to a huge mistake committed in another lifetime.
To sign on yet another piece of paper and not regret it. And keep it safe and close to my heart.

A list is a wish your heart makes

2011-11-10T23:57:00.000+08:00

The Byronic Hero is leaving for the US next week, in time for the Black Friday sale. And even though I don't really have enough cash for anything, I'm still wondering if maybe, just maybe, I could splurge a bit and ask him to get me these things which I don't really need but would love to have:

Booties from Nine West

clockwise from left: Arael, Binley and Midi Ships

Midori Traveler's Notebook

Proenza Leather Satchel (Hah. Haha. Hahaha! Now this is just plain wishful thinking - it costs more than the BH's airfare!)

Just because I want a free (Moleskine) notebook

2011-11-09T22:14:00.000+08:00

Avalon.ph is giving away a limited edition Star Wars Moleskine notebook! :-)

Mechanics. Do at least one of the following:
1. Leave a comment in the Avalon.ph blog entry about the first time you heard about “Star Wars”. It doesn’t have to be about the film, it can be about their comic books, action figures & other merchandise/variations. (+1 point) - DONE!
Note: Entry won’t count if for some reason you unintentionally talked about … Star Trek.
2. Blog about this giveaway with your answer for #1 linking back to this post. Please enter the link of your blog entry in the comments below. (+3 points) - doing this now :-) - DONE!
3. Twitter (+1 point). Just tweet: Win a Moleskine Star Wars Large Plain Notebook courtesy of @avalonph! Details here: http://bit.ly/srAHJy - DONE!
4. Tumblr (+1 point). Check out avalonph.tumblr.com and reblog the specific Moleskine Star Wars entry posted in this Tumblr link. No follows required. - DONE! (And I followed too!)

So. When was the first time I heard about Star Wars?

I don't really remember. But one of my earliest memories involved playing with my "lightsaber" - a long plastic tube attached to an Eveready flashlight,. My brother and I had one each - green for him and red for me - and we had a grand time with it, running around the living room, trying to cut each other down. Later on, I remember watching Return of the Jedi with my parents. My dad has always been a big fan of sci-fi (my first Robert Heinlein and Isaac Asimov books came from his collection), so although Star Wars didn't make much of an impression on me, it was something that was part of my childhood.

So, why the hell do I want that Star Wars Moleskine notebook if I'm not really a Star Wars fan? Because I'm a Moleskine fan, that's why! And a notebook is a notebook is a notebook. :-)

Oh, and btw, Avalon.ph is probably one of the best things I have discovered in my 30s. I got some of my best books from this online store, and yes, some of my Moleskine notebooks too.

To do or not to do

2011-11-08T23:18:00.000+08:00

(I'm cheating here, pun intended - I wrote this entry a little over a year ago, and posted it in my other blog, mutatis mutandis. It has become somewhat relevant again, that's why I'm reposting it here. It doesn't tell you what to do, but I hope I'm giving you a clear picture of how it is, whether you do or you don't. At the end of the day, the choice is still yours. And you still end up living with the consequences of your choices.)

(P.S. The ex I was talking about below? I haven't talked to him in over a year, or rather, he wouldn't talk to me anymore - since roughly after I posted this in my blog. Yup, writing can get you in all sorts of trouble.)

***

A couple of days ago, I had this surrealconversation through MSN with an old friend, an ex who's been in and out of mylife ever since we broke up another lifetime ago. The last time I saw him wasearlier this year --- we spent an hour together, talking over coffee and yosi,this after not seeing each other for five years or so. But he's one of thosepeople who I may never see much of, but has never really gone away. Ours is aprime example of all's well that ends well, given how we have remainedfriends after getting over the hurt and the anger of the past.

Poor guy must be going through mid-lifecrisis because he was talking about having an affair. Which was what made theconversation surreal --- "Are we really having this conversation??!"I can barely believe that this was coming from a guy who had such a heightenedsense of morality he once admonished me not to accept rides from guys, evenfrom my friends! But then again, he was also the same guy who had no qualmsabout dating other girls while we were together, and then getting mad at me forhaving an affair with another guy when we broke up. So I guess he did (does?)have a misplaced sense of morality, practicing the double standard that is soprevalent (and typical) among Filipino males.

I'm not sure if he has gone degenerative inhis middle age that he has become naive, or stupid, or both. At some pointduring the conversation, I had a feeling it wasn't him I was talking to, buthis wife fishing for something. Or perhaps he was fishing forsomething.

He wants to have an affair. Said that he'sgetting old and he's bored and he needs an adventure. Preferably with a friendor an ex-girlfriend. And all I can say was it's not called an adventure ifyou'd end up hurting a lot of people. It's called selfishness.

And besides, you don't look for an affair,and then in the same breath profess that you are happy with your wife. Ifyou're looking for an adventure, heck, you can take up bungee jumping. It's asexhilarating and as neck-breaking as having an affair. But you don't have todeal with the mess afterwards. If you fuck up, someone else cleans up afteryou. You'll be too dead to care.

And no, you don't go asking your friends (or unmarriedex-girlfriends for that matter, unless indeed you are fishing forsomething) if they can recommend anyone who would be willing to have an affairwith you. Uh, duh. I can set you up on a date. But I can't set you up on an affair.

Affairs happen. You spend enough time witha person, and before you know it, you find yourself getting more and moreinvolved with them. Now it's up to you if you'd take that involvement a notchhigher --- from a bar stool to a bed. From breakfast buddies to breakfast inbed.

Or you meet someone and vavavoom! ---instant sexual attraction. The chemistry's so great you're almost choking onpheromones. Add a few drops of alcohol, and you're ready to forsake your vows.The sex is so great you would want to see them again. And again. And again. But--- will you? And if you do, are you ready to face the consequences?

Of course having an affair is exciting andexhilarating. Of course it feels good to find someone who wants nothing fromyou but your body, who demands nothing but a good time, who doesn't bug youabout bills and busted pipes and broken dishwashers.

But where does it go from there? Areyou willing and ready to trade the stability of your marriage for theexcitement of sexual gratification? If you are, or if there's nothing stableabout your marriage to begin with, then by all means go. Better than to keep onfooling your spouse/partner and living a life of lies and hypocrisies, andbringing misery to all involved.

But do remember that affairs get old. Thatsooner or later, you'd still end up dealing with the bills and the busted pipesand the broken dishwasher. Different house maybe, but same responsibilities.And sex gets old too. What once was a thrice a day thrill may dwindle to everyother day, once a week, once every two weeks, until it becomes just anotherphysiological need, a thing you do just to get off and get rid of that pain inyour groin. Or that early morning stiffness.

Of course I'm simplifying things --- weknow that it gets more complicated than that. Whether it's intra- or extra-marital,relationships have never been just a choice between black or white. It's noteven gray, but a whole rainbow of complexities, which involves a myriad ofemotions, peppered with moralities and sometimes drowning in ambiguities.But, as I always remind myself, whatever it is that you do, make sureyou have the balls to stand by your decision, regardless of the consequences,regardless of what people say. Ginawa mo, panindigan mo.

And having an affair is a decision only youcan make. And, who knows, it may just end up being the best decision you haveever made. Or not.

My crazy family

2011-11-07T21:15:00.000+08:00

"Family is more than just DNA. It's about people who care and take care of each other."

- Leroy Gibbs, NCIS

The nuclear family were watching Season 9, Episode 4 of NCIS last night (Castle and NCIS are our "family shows"). It's that episode where Abby realized she was adopted, and coping with the shock and the sense of loss, she finds comfort in Gibbs. As soon as Gibbs has uttered those words, the Byronic Honey looked at the Bebe and me, and repeated, "Family is more than just DNA. It's about people who care and take care of each other." And, yes, group hug.

We are possibly one of the most dysfunctional family you'd ever encounter - at least as far as being expected to meet conventions goes. For one, we all go by different last names. Two, we have such a complicated relationship we'd rather not explain it. Three, our home life is straight out of a sitcom.

But - there's also possibly more love in this dysfunctional family than you would find in a "normal" family. Ask the Bebe - she would know.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

2011-11-06T21:55:00.000+08:00

A friend has posted on Facebook earlier that she was "Dreaming of doing something out of the ordinary." I told her to drop the dreaming, and just do something out of the ordinary. I know - it's easier said than done, especially if you're a mommy and pushing 40. But sometimes we need to do this - especially when we're mommies and pushing 40.

The trouble I think is when we consider doing something out of the ordinary, in our mind it automatically translates to doing something irresponsibly. Which isn't really the case. Sure, who wouldn't want to be irresponsible every now and then? Wouldn't it be nice if we can just drop everything and do something outrageous without worrying about the consequences? To cease being the adult for once and be the carefree (and careless) teenagers that we once were? Except that (maternal) instinct tells us that repercussions do happen, especially if we veer off our usual (maternal) path. And, no matter how much we try to fool ourselves, the mirror doesn't lie - we are not teenagers anymore.

So we do the next best thing - do something out of the ordinary armed with the maturity and resilience to face and accept the consequences of our out-of-the-ordinary deeds. It can be something as mundane as a half-day out with no kids in tow, or something as extravagant as a one-week out-of-town vacation alone. Or something as hedonistic as an all-night drinking and dancing (and drugs? If you have no qualms about it, and you're ready to accept the consequences, why not?).

The thing is, we don't have to make a habit of this. We do it once, and then we go back to being the responsible adults that we are. If you did something stupid while having the time of your life, and your stupidity didn't kill you, you'll be fine. Sure, it might be embarrassing as hell and you might cringe at the memory, but hey, if you can live with it, then you have nothing to worry about.

We're bogged down by tons of responsibilities seven days a week. And most of the time we walk around with this huge rod up our ass. Surely we deserve to loosen up once in a while. And not feel guilty about it. Regardless if we're mommies and pushing 40.

Saturday night

2011-11-05T22:07:00.000+08:00

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it's not for you.

- Ogden Nash

Because all you want to do is rest on weekends. To catch up on a lot of stuff - sleep (since during the week, you get an average of 4 hours of sleep each night), talk to you daughter (who complains that she barely sees you during the week), read (you need 13 more books to complete your 50-book goal for 2011, and you don't want your Kindle to go to waste).

Back when your house was this hellhole you wanted to avoid at all cost, all you wanted was to go out and have fun on weekends, to be anywhere but home, to get away from someone you detested. But now that all you really need are right there in the comfort of your own house, and you are snuggling with the people you want to be with, and alcohol is no longer your best friend, you don't really see any point in raring to go out on weekends.

In fact, you just want to savor these weekends, before your teenage daughter discovers the fun of hanging out with friends on Saturday nights, before you stay up all night waiting for her to get home, before she grows up and starts having weekends of her own.

You want these family weekends, not just for yourself and your partner, but for your daughter as well. Something she would look back to when things become too complicated, something she would go back to when she craves her family's love. A warm fuzzy feeling that she would take with her wherever she goes.

Kim who?

2011-11-04T21:12:00.000+08:00

Ryan has been supplying me with questions a.k.a. writing prompts (although some of the questions seem like he's just fishing haha). Here's one - not fishing for anything, but which I think is quite easy to answer:

What do you think of the whole Kim Kardashian fiasco?

And I say, Kim who?

Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration. Anybody who goes online these days has probably heard of Kim Kardashian. Or at least one member of the Kardashian family. They're everywhere. I don't know where they came from and where they're going, I don't know what they do and what makes them tick, and although their pictures are all over cyberspace, I won't recognize them when I see them. (No exaggeration here - I'm so out of it I didn't even know exactly how Optimus Prime looks like. And my family walked out on me because I had the temerity to ask "So, who's this robot again?")

But yes, I've heard of Kim Kardashian.

And because I have a Tumblr and a Twitter and a Facebook account, and because I read CNN and Fox News and the Telegraph and the New York Times and Time and Huffington, I also know that she's filing for divorce after being married to this really tall basketball player for only a little over two months. And I presume this is the fiasco that Ryan is referring to. A 72-day marriage --- following what could possibly be the most expensive wedding for non-royalty, all paid for by sponsors, and possibly staged to generate more income for these same sponsors (and for the couple of course).

So here's what I think of this so-called fiasco.

Sorry, but that was one stupid question, Ry. Since when did I start caring about the charades these clowns live?

Too drunk to think

2011-11-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

I finally got what I had been longing for since God-knows-when.

Because I don't like writing about food

2011-11-02T23:29:00.000+08:00

(maybe because I don't cook, I just eat.)

Today's NaBloPoMo writing prompt is -

Wednesday, November 2, 2011If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?

And unlike Ryan (who's both a great cook and a great writer), not only do I not have the expertise to whip a delectable dish, I also do not have the expertise (nor the words for that matter) to make a dish sound delectable. Hell, I don't even have enough culinary vocabulary to delectably describe what I had for dinner! (Kung pao pasta, prepared by my brother, and no, it's not chicken, just some ground pork and shitake mushrooms. It was yummy. And nope - obviously, food blogging is not for me.)

So, to save myself from further frustration, I went to the hipster's salvation, Tumblr, and found this on writing prompts:

So. What is the chatter and commotion inside my head?

Aside from that eeejit mother-and-son tandem going "What's siksik, Mama?" in that stupid milk commercial (the last thing I saw/heard before I turned off the TV), there's quite a ruckus going on in my head, what will all of my personalities trying to out-chatter one another.

There's the workaholic me reminding myself that I should finish my business plans (one down, two more to go - the trouble with wearing three hats at work) instead of surfing and blogging.

And then there's Little Miss Guilt Trip castigating me for me being too selfish just because I'd rather have some quiet moment alone, instead of joining the BH and the Bebe upstairs. (Nevermind that they are also busy with their own thing - the BH on XBox and the Bebe on Tumblr/Facebook/Twitter.)

The workaholic worrywart (who is quite different from the workaholic) is wondering how we're all going to fit here in our tiny mansion, what with the parents arriving tomorrow, and my brother and his family and the yaya already here since the weekend. The worrywart (because she is a worrywart after all) is also worrying about the report I'm supposed to deliver on Friday (which is not even halfway done yet, and which I won't have time to work on tomorrow because of meetings galore). And just because, she also wants to worry about that presentation on Monday, and whether I didn't cross any line when I told my boss that Monday's a holiday and it's a total waste of effort and resources to go to the office to deliver a 30-minute presentation. And whether the dog will be fine if we leave him outside the whole night.

The pseudo-geek is wondering if she still has the right amount of patience to sit through Torchlight and actually enjoy the game, while the nerd, whose mind is still filled with images of 1960s Mississippi having just finished The Help, is wondering which book to read next so she can still reach her 50-book goal.

Oddly enough, the observer, who just sits there with a bemused look on her face, is wondering why the dominant chatters are the petulant thoughts of those who don't really do much thinking. While those who are contemplating on the meaning of life (the universe, and everything - 42) are doing so quietly. (And here's my reason why I can barely hear myself think.)

And finally, the practical me is goading myself to Go. To. Sleep. Now. before I start spewing more nonsense here.

(NaBloPoMo #2. Not bad. Let's hope I make it to 30. And then some.)

What is your favorite part about writing?

2011-11-01T14:21:00.003+08:00

(NaBloPoMo Writing Prompt #1)

The oblivion it affords me, the ability to express in writing what I cannot articulate, the chance to be alone with my thoughts.

These are the reasons why even though it can be quite frustrating, I still hold on to my writing. Why I cannot just let go and let the world of spreadsheets and workflows and graphs take over my life. Because too often I still need to reach out to that persona who, once upon a time, dreamed of making her living with words, of building a life which revolves around words. No matter how petty or inconsequential my writing may be, it keeps me sane.

NaBloPoMo

2011-11-01T12:32:00.000+08:00

Fixing this blog so I can use it for the National Blog Posting Month - even if I'm too much of a coward to actually sign up for it. At least let me try.

happiness is a choice

2011-06-17T05:42:00.000+08:00

something old, something new

2011-06-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

I start anew, aching with that familiar longing for the things that will never be, yet filled with a sense of possibility.